Think less, eat more

[PETN]

If he's not happy by himself then fucked if he's going to be happy having a gf. Also if you come across as some desperate or depressed loser chances are you're only going to be able to find a disgusting whale or some mentally fucked bitch that will bring you down even more.

 

Maybe stop using drugs in general rather than start using new ones? Or yeah replace your existing problem with a bigger problem which will catch you eventually somewhere down the line.

 

Best one IMO is find stuff that you enjoy doing (or enjoy end result of) that you can do whenever you want. Stuff like gym and hiking is ok but it isn't practicable to do it at any time really. 

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

hey thanks guys. ya sorry about it, its kinda one of my only avenues of release here since shit at opening up with ppl i know.

 

i did go out last night and done lots of shit i shouldn't have but was with a good crowd and made the effort to introduce myself to everyone, even though i kept getting that feeling that i was completely invisible. defs not my scene.

 

for the record i aint on any meds other than for digestive system which apparently doesnt have any side effects (omeprazole and domperidone) however i have been considering recently. heard some talk about anxiety meds or whatever . tbh not too keen on these 'feelings' that i been opening up to recently at all, would rather go back to the unemotional and oblivious loner i used to be, atleast i was getting by and was happy. maybe should just grab some tren or some shit wipe out my sense of giving a shit and work towards lifting goals like that dude on that thread. better than just throwing in the towel i suppose.

 

2 hours ago, PETN said:

Best one IMO is find stuff that you enjoy doing (or enjoy end result of) that you can do whenever you want. Stuff like gym and hiking is ok but it isn't practicable to do it at any time really. 

a lot of your advice is spot on in line with what professional been saying, she just obvs has sugar coated version of it.  i guess im still looking for what i enjoy but in the mean time it makes some sense to be obsessive about something else and replace my time on that rather than this. i know a few nerdy mates that play world of warcraft maybe should just give that shit a go since looks like a massive time sink

 

 

 

gonna go gym soon

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

kk enough with the bullshit. made a friend at gym since saw him doing powerlifting type training few times , good squat session today. legit PR'd on both Squat triple (120x3) and squat max (132.5x1). In comp i bitched out after 130 was seeing lights and this 132.5 was easy as pie. must have been all the carbs from last night lol. think i just neeed to get real focused on this as a primary goal again since been mucking around with lack of goal after comp ended. either that or set another goal so expand my horizons, was thinking maybe learning to swim (then dive so can shark drive next yr) and properly learn guitar since been playing that for almost 10 yrs now but just know random solos / famous rhythm parts of a handful of songs can't just play any song i hear on radio unless i look up the tabs/chords.

 

W4D4

25/09

Squats

10x20kg, 8x40kg, 8x60kg, 4x80kg(belt on), 4x100kg, 3x100kg, 3x120kg (SBDs knee sleeves came on), 1x32.5, , 10x80 (paused)

Leg extensions 3x10x120

Light walking to sweat out some alcohol

 

[Realtalk]

RELAX.

[I Declare War]

19 hours ago, PETN said:

If he's not happy by himself then fucked if he's going to be happy having a gf. Also if you come across as some desperate or depressed loser chances are you're only going to be able to find a disgusting whale or some mentally fucked bitch that will bring you down even more.

 

Maybe stop using drugs in general rather than start using new ones? Or yeah replace your existing problem with a bigger problem which will catch you eventually somewhere down the line.

 

Best one IMO is find stuff that you enjoy doing (or enjoy end result of) that you can do whenever you want. Stuff like gym and hiking is ok but it isn't practicable to do it at any time really. 

 

Yeh need to be happy first. Replace that inner dialogue is the first step. Quit calling yourself a 'fgt' etc. That's some pretty harsh self criticism. Need to get rid of that shit if you're going to move forward. Got to love yourself first before you can love someone else or so the saying goes.

 

Yes, careful with the drugs aye. Got to be careful to use and not abuse. Also, if you're the type of person that uses stuff longterm then you should reconsider your strategy. They can helpto get you through a rough patch, but then you should get off because they will otherwise put you through a rougher patch! Roids, Alcohol, Zopiclone... been there to varying degrees with each and learned some valuable lessons. First and foremost is less and infrequent is best!

 

Yep a good hobby that you can immerse yourself into and socialise with others about is king. A good routine doing something you are passionate about is better than any kind of drug!

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

if you came in to read about my lifting then just scroll right down to the bold part cos here comes a dear diary entry.

 

thx again for non bias and real advice. had SO MUCH real talk with my mate last night. kinda think got closer to the root cause based on how i act out and when / what triggers it.  i know better what to do and what not to do next time from this experience.

 

a) i defs need to get comfortable with myself and cut out that shit negative dialogue. stop putting myself down and replace with positive confidence boosting shit. when i like myself i will naturally be better at making better relationships.

 

b) i don't have much going for me outside of gym/work. when i'm not doing those im a loner mucking around not doing productive stuff. there are good ppl who would be willing to be my friend but i've been complaining to myself about how i've become so awkward around people instead of actually trying to do something about it. so i'm gonna keep practicing every opportunity i get. just been randomly practicing by starting at work since girls easier to approach and generally wont be shit. asking about their day, hair, interests that kind of small talk.

 

c) set goals to keep moving ahead. first and foremost have now commited to training up to UPANZ King of Deadlift event in November. It's 10 weeks away, hope to see some of you there. I almost triple 3x my BW right now so my goal is to try for 1 RM of 3.5x bw.. 227.5 kg at 65kg. This is probably asking too much in short time frame but because I still genuinely have fun doing this it's not something that i will be disappointed about if i don't reach it. second goal is to pick up my guitar and play it again for atleast 20 mins a day. 10 yrs ago i got my first guitar and it was my life, music was such an important part of me but somehow i completely lost interest in all music and even my muscle memory with guitar is kinda wiped out right now.. looking forward to shredding the most.

 

 

working on cutting out the alcohol since i started using it to cope again. alcohol no good for my deadlift goals so out it goes. will still drink occasionally with mates in social situations but will be like a glass or 2 of wine or whiskey instead of vodka/jager shots etc.

 

Yesterdays + todays lifting - back to hard training for 10 weeks cos got a comp to train for no more mucking around

 

W1D1

26/09

Bench

2x8x20, 8x40, 4x8x50kg

DB Incline Press

10x20kg, 10x25kg, 5x30kg, 10x20kg

ISO Mil Press 3x8

Machine pec flyes 3x8

Tricep pushdowns 3x8

Stretch 10 mins

 

W1D2

27/09

Speed deadlifts

8x3x100kg

Deadlifts

5x140, 5x160, 2x5x100

Pendlay Rows 5x40, 8x5x60kg

Pulldowns 4x12

Bicep curls 4x10

 

 

Progress pic (its from last week). Not sure what my weight is. Needless to say the digestive medicines are doing their job, i am happy with this look so far and hope to make lean gains on it over time while getting stronger. shaved my beard tho cos had some kind of dillemma where parents were saying i look like a terrorist and some ppl said it makes me look old, now i look slightly homo but i'll rock it anyway cos i'm beautiful just the way i are

[Realtalk]

f*ck yeah 500lb at 65 will be sick bro! 

 

You ever thought of doing a martial art or such thing? The Todd group which is based in Dunedin are running a Cqb course at the royal Thai navy base in Chonburi, Thailand - which isn't far from Pattaya which is an eye opening place lol. It goes for a week, end of November through start of December. You should look into attending, it's a great bunch of people who are no bs and no ego plus you will learn some really good skills and it will toughen you up. Have a look into it and if you want more info let me know. I think you would love it mate.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

14 hours ago, Realtalk said:

f*ck yeah 500lb at 65 will be sick bro! 

 

You ever thought of doing a martial art or such thing? The Todd group which is based in Dunedin are running a Cqb course at the royal Thai navy base in Chonburi, Thailand - which isn't far from Pattaya which is an eye opening place lol. It goes for a week, end of November through start of December. You should look into attending, it's a great bunch of people who are no bs and no ego plus you will learn some really good skills and it will toughen you up. Have a look into it and if you want more info let me know. I think you would love it mate.

yo man thanks for suggestion it does interest me (not sure if trolling with reference to dunedin tho lol) but not actually sure i'm cut out for that. weak joints and flexibility is horrible especially in hammies (most stretching exercises hurt the hip joint) i can picture myself getting messed up pretty quick

[PETN]

Not trolling 

[Realtalk]

On 28 September 2016 at 11:00 PM, FellowshipOfTheRon said:

yo man thanks for suggestion it does interest me (not sure if trolling with reference to dunedin tho lol) but not actually sure i'm cut out for that. weak joints and flexibility is horrible especially in hammies (most stretching exercises hurt the hip joint) i can picture myself getting messed up pretty quick

 

You need to throw yourself in the deep end mate. Back yourself on shit. But all good.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

chronicles of an awkward indian (whose gonna be the man some day) week 2

 

Sorting out my act pretty well. Day 4 of #soberoctober . worked extra late but ended up having 7 meals as a result so makes up for slight lack of sleep.

committed to that journey of being less awkward, not 100% sure what to say when hanging out with ppl but picking out random things they mention that might interest me and trying to actively fill in silence with those topics.

 

working on that positive language (internal dialogue)

 

got a trendy haircut so i look as beautiful as i feel

 

training been going ok other than slight knee issue holding me back on squats last week

 

slept for considerable amount of time on saturday recovered well. took care of heaps of shit around the house was very productive alone time.

 

sunday had good time hiking out in bush and low key hitting on girl (getting that practice in even tho she taken), planned a bunch of stuff to ask based on previous conversations and it was a lot less awkward than trying to think of stuff on the spot

 

closed out a couple >6 month infrastructure upgrade projects and got good feedback from ppl in high places topped up my sense of self worth somewhat.

 

listening to music whenever i get the chance and also playing guitar at home think i'm starting to 'feel the music' again

 

lifting 4 x a week, sessions are longer now (1.5hrs) as i generally start with compound movements then incorporate hypertrophy.

 

lots of attention whoring on social media for easy source of boost in morale.

 

tinder game is still weak af... i mean i'm on the journey to becoming the best ever at tinder

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

gym. 3x sessions in gym + 1 at home this week.

Nice few days at the gym doing mad hypertrophy with this dude not even sure how he does all this while cutting lol, i'm downing mad carbs. sessions atm are like this : 1 compound movement either for speed (8x3) , 5x5 or pyramid type sets then 2-3 sets of 4x12 accessories, 5-10min light treadmill and some stretching. feel adequately sore for days afterwards.

 

life. been focusing more on being generally presentable and stuff i guess like doing my hair instead of letting it go out in to afro / trimming down to #2 al 'round as if im on basic training . also dressing up neatly most of the time. must be making me more approachable i guess so takes care of half the approach anxiety for me now, people been coming up talking a lot more often at work / public spaces out of carpark, elevators etc, someone said im pretty skux for an indian. still trying to get the hang of chords and stuff on guitar plus trying to sing and play at same time how the hell do people do this lol. still get the 'feelings' every now and then but kinda just embrace them instead of trying to hide away or express in desperate ways. its a lot easier when you dont fight it! also, day 9 of sober october :D

 

had some free time so took some selfies (obviously, its the cool thing to do right?) . found an angle that makes me look massive af, and another angle thats very aesthetic.  my bathroom is magically blessed with perfect lighting.

 

 

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

Chest and tris today. i should weigh myself soon i guess but think still making progress overall. gym is not going on backburner at all just not the main thing im paying attention to right now. almost feel like im being narcissistic but probably healthy to care about onself to some degree. i trust gymnation will tell me when i become a dickhead

 

Winked at random cute girl she smiled and then almost tripped up. not sure if good or thought i was gonna assault her.

 

properly asked girl out that i been crushing on for some months, was straight up about it this time too. she kindly refused. i didn't feel too broken inside and have 100x more confidence about next time because it feels like a massive relief to have answer instead of trying to read in to / interpret every move.  this is obvious to most but like mid blowing discovery for me right now.

 

think i learning to control emotions and growing up from boy to man.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

Keepin consistent with gym and eating this week. Just got back from freakin awesome Chest/Shoulders/Triceps hypertrophy type workout. FREAKIN PUMPED. Had a pretty lackluster day moping around being a dumbass but few minutes in the gym and felt awesome as. Solid 2 hours working out, used to stick to just 1 hr sessions but really its not like i got shit else to do but make gains, and gains i will fkin make.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

Deadlifts today. wasn't as strong as i would like to be but it was still good shit. dude im training with PR'd AND done it for double lol... i reached a point where i had easily done 180x3 then next set just wasn't mentally up for even 180 off the floor got so mad  then dropped it down to 160 and done it for 8 reps, so i'll bank that 160x8 as a rep PR. #8RMFTW

 

was moping around a bit and the negative inner language came back then i was like wtf why am i bullying myself. was bit upset about the girl days later , guess my heart has DOMS but it's all good now have learnt from that experience. would say i have gained maturity points, feel heaps better about approaching and talking to people, have overall more positive energy.

 

almost half way through sober october now. the desire to drink before going out and shit like that is gone, my nerves are overall bit calmer and i'm becoming more chill / laid back.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

1line about gym (5th day of training this week - arms/side delts/abs/calves)

went in and done arms session yesterday. they are completely wrecked today but was time well invested.

 

and #deardiary

usual sunday hikes today.  girl is no where near as perfect as i had made her to be in my mind (nothing wrong with her just think i had really made it hard for myself with all the 'too good for me' type of nonsense). no regrets at all about that side of things.

 

discovered very powerful tool for negative voices this weekend. both today and yesterday at times when i was feeling shitstorm hitting my head i just took a 30 min nap. woke up and it was pretty much gone.

 

another tool i been using recently is just getting out the house with my dog more regularly (had previously delegated that to other fatter members of the household). hes a cool little guy helps me get outside on the regular. i also get to make some level of interaction with new people and anxiety levels are getting lower. just look at them, smile, say hi and move along.  so simple!

 

small win headed out to charity event after hike, met a few people of which added me to facebook but may never see again and just generally practiced some socialising in a positive atmosphere. after 2.5 hours i was starting to feel kind of dizzy and paranoid so made my donations and gapped it but will keep heading out to those kind of random events.

 

also, i've been eating a LOT recently lol. regularly eating til my stomach hurts. not throwing it up now either so hoping i'll breach the 70kg barrier once and for all by the end of this year... though i would prefer if it wasn't all fat that i gained, we'll see in the coming weeks / months i suppose.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

Feeling good.

 

Arms still sore, solid upper session. Nothing special just 3 chest exercises of 4x8-12 reps and same for back. cos arms were sore had to put the weight down a bit but realised benefits of sore arms by means of being able to isolate chest better

[Realtalk]

So what was the diagnosis with your stomach issues?

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

On 10/18/2016 at 1:19 PM, Realtalk said:

So what was the diagnosis with your stomach issues?

on a waiting list for gastro-enterologist apparently it could be up to 4 months. looks like meds are working well though

 

for now im still on omeprazol and domperidone. its really mindblowing the amount of food i can eat now, makes me feel kind of retarded thinking about how little i was eating before and expecting to gain (though at the time it felt like a mission cos i was having to eat so carefully to avoid spewing). had been prescribed omeprazol before and it did not have this effect, maybe combination of this and domperidone or maybe they increased the amount of active ingredient in tablet this time. whatever it is, i'm eating well and legit feel physically better than a month ago.

 

meals are all chicken and rice or chicken and tuna with the occasional home made pizza/pie /potatoes/burger. i eat a meal every 3 hours, dont have to rely on my alarm anymore as i'm actually feeling hungry, stomach rumbles. this is a great new feeling. still no actual satisfaction from food though (like when people eat and say 'oh yummm thats nice' , it's all bland to me) thats prob nothing to do with digestive system tho.

 

 

trained shoulders today.

 

cravings for any alcoholic beverage are completely gone.

[Realtalk]

Jesus mate, are your tastebuds screwed too? Lol eat nicer food then

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

19 hours ago, Realtalk said:

Jesus mate, are your tastebuds screwed too? Lol eat nicer food then

haha nothing to worry about for now important thing is im eating! will ask doc about it on next appt but nothing major,  i eat clean now and in good quantities which is an improvement, no difference in taste to me just chicken and rice vs some special dish prepared by a chef so i can get away with lazy cooking :) its all up from here man, thats my vision right now anyway, its all gonna work it self out.

 

knees a bit off right now gonna stretch out / limber up and do deads, if doesnt feel well during warmup then will just do arms and attempt squats tomorrow with deads some point in weekend or monday

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

legs were better today. squats to 100 for 5x5. last couple sets were bloody hard lol need to fix my breathing. followed up with some variations of leg press and other leg stuff.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

mean weather last couple days. went for bit of walks, heaps of house work, washed/wax car first time in ages (fark i almost forgot it was black had so much mud on it, one of those 'off road' corollas lol).

 

5th day of training this week. chest / delts and a bit of back. probably arms tomorrow as legs still recovering from fridays session.

[FellowshipOfTheRon]

Back, biceps and triceps today. triceps are finally growing after a few sessions isolating them. biceps haven't received the memo yet. hope putting on some mass and strength in arms/delts brings my bench up eventually.

[Realtalk]

2 hours ago, FellowshipOfTheRon said:

Back, biceps and triceps today. triceps are finally growing after a few sessions isolating them. biceps haven't received the memo yet. hope putting on some mass and strength in arms/delts brings my bench up eventually.

It sure will man