Hey thanks my man. Yea good to be here.
Honestly i I think the equipoise May have had a major role to play when it came to the amount of anxiety I was experiencing during this cycle. But there were a number of factors aside from just the EQ. I was having serious trouble sleeping, (would lay awake unable to sleep right up until the crack of dawn and would the sleep all day) so my circadian rhythm was all messed up, making it hard to stay on top of diet and training.
I was in an unhealthy living environment - a shared home with myself, my partner and our two kids sharing one large loft bedroom and living under rule and thumb of a batshit crazy feminazi woman and her two kids. As well as back packers coming and going throughout the week as she also ran a BNB from this house - had a feeling of always walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace even though I hated this woman and her oldest kid was a bullying little c*nt to my boys.
Also so I had realised that my intention behind beginning this second cycle was coming from a standpoint of insecurity rather than experimentation like my first cycle was. - I had a confrontation with an asshole in a parking lot after he cut me off, and when he rolled down the window and asked me what my problem was, instead of telling him what I thought like a man, I cowered, and drove away. - this triggered me as I felt like I had let myself and my family down, I felt like in that moment (and many before this) I had been treated like a lesser man. Whereas during my first cycle people treated me with more respect, so I told myself I was gonna jump back on ASAP and no mother f*cker will treat me with disrespect like that again. (Lol) I know.. I was hasty and didn’t treat the compounds with the same amount of respect as I should have this time, and jumped back on as I thought this would help me feel better about myself.
Then while I was on (about 4-5 weeks in) I had realised that my relationship with the drugs this time round was more unhealthy than the experimental approach I had taken with my prior cycle. So after realising the drugs arent serving me this time round, this began playing back and forth on my conscience. “Do I get off immediately and focus on becoming my best version naturally?.. But I’ve come this far, the damage had been done to my HPTA, do I ride it out, complete the cycle, make the most of the gains and then come off and work on my insecurities?.. but the longer I’m on the worse the risk of permanent damage!.. Yea but your 5 weeks in, the damage has been done, pct now will be just as rough as pct in another 6 weeks!... goddammit what do I do!?” my inner dialogue played out like this for another couple weeks and I decided to come off at week 7 and gave my gear to a friend in the gym.
Im on week 3 of my PCT now and feeling a lot more myself. We have also managed to move into a house of our own which is really nice. A huge load off my shoulders given we finally have space to be ourselves as a family. Still going to the gym. Sleeping heaps better -though I still have the odd sleepless night occasionally, usually when shit is playing on my mind. Kept all my gains. But have learned an important lesson about myself and respecting these compounds. And how important it is to be prepared not just by having everything you need on hand before starting your cycle. But more so it’s important to be in a good set and setting before beginning a cycle, or it will wreak havoc on your mind in many, many ways (well for me anyway).
To say the least it was a very interesting experience.
And I have learned a lot from it. 😅🤙