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Gluten Free, Low Carb, Low Cal Fettuccine by Slendier

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The other night I was idly wandering up the health food isle of my supermarket when I stumbled on this gem - a gluten free, low carb, low calorie fettuccine. It's $3.50 a pack, and also available as spaghetti, noodles, or lasagne - obviously the same product cut to a different shape. I bought the fettuccine, which as everyone knows, is the tastiest of all pasta shapes.


It's made of organic konjac, which apparently is a Japanese vegetable. It sounded delicious, although perhaps that was because in my head I was pronouncing it as "cognac".


The nutritional specs were amazing. Less than 1g of carbs per 100g. Less than 1g of fat. Less than 1g of protein. There was fuck all of anything in there, really... everything combined still added up to only 10 calories. There were two servings in the pack. I decided to go nuts, and eat BOTH servings in a single meal - a whopping 25 calories. (I promised myself I'd do a situp later to burn it off.)


The question was, with stats as good as this, how would it taste? Were 10 calories enough to allow for any sort of flavour? Would it taste like cognac? Fortunately, the product is "pre-cooked and ready to use in 1 minute", so I didn't have to wait too long to find out.


My verdict? I could happily have waited longer. A lot longer. Forever, maybe.


Slendier's pasta tastes like fingernails. More specifically, it tastes like those little bits of skin around your fingernails that sometimes require a casual nibble to tidy them up. Almost tasteless... but not quite. It has a chewable but rubbery texture which doesn't help matters.


Fortunately, you can hide a lot under a good bolognese mince sauce, and in the end I quite enjoyed my dinner. But it was despite, not because of, the konjac fettucine.

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Yeah, it probably was pretty filling. It's certainly a solid food - it doesn't just disappear like water, despite the stats.


But given that I had 300g of mince sitting on top of it, dinner would have been reasonably filling anyway.

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